Writing Matters

E-mails about the Epsilon security breach: Marriott got it wrong, but Target and Hilton got it right

A couple of days ago, hackers stole data (customers' names and e-mails) from Epsilon, a company that manages e-mail marketing campaigns for some of the nation's biggest retailers. (Read the WSJ article "Breach Brings Scrutiny.") I must be a downstream customer of Epsilon's because within a day of the breach I had received explanation e-mails from Marriott, Target, and Hilton. (Scroll to the bottom to read the three e-mails.) Overall, Marriott's was the least effective. After a close read of these three samples, I've come up with some advice.

Four tips for writing e-mail that explains a security breach ...  or other bad news

1. Write a clear subject line. Target and Hilton used the same subject line: Important message from [Target, Hilton HHonors]. Marriott used Important Notice from Marriott International, Inc. These subject lines are truly inadequate and likely to get lost in my inbox. And they do nothing to offset the torrent of phone calls each company's contact center must have received from nervous customers. Even Explanation of Recent Security Breach would have been a better subject line.
   
2. Use a specific greeting. Marriott got this right. But Target addressed me as a valued guest. I have never understood this euphemism for customer. Yes, one treats guests nicely, but one doesn't usually try to sell them things or protect their e-mail addresses. And Hilton's Dear Customer greeting is just blah. It's anonymous.
3. Explain what the customer should do. Marriott's advice is weak: continue to be on alert. Marriott does nothing to help customers gauge the severity of the breach or to take steps to protect themselves. In contrast, Target and Hilton give bulleted, specific instructions.
4. Sign the e-mail. When your customers become concerned about their personal data, it's time to bring in the big guns. Marriott blundered again. Their e-mail isn't even "signed" with a person's title, such as Marketing Director or Customer Service Manager. Hilton's and Target's VPs took personal responsibility in their company's e-mails.

On a related topic, Epsilon's news release on the breach -- "Epsilon Notifies Clients of Unauthorized Entry into Email System" -- is pure blunder. The worst thing a company can do when something bad has happened is use language that hides ownership. Plain language is a must. If ever Epsilon should have chosen active voice, this would be the time. But Epsilon's news release is full of the company's hysteria-induced use of passive voice: "On March 30th, an incident was detected where a subset of Epsilon clients' customer data were exposed by an unauthorized entry into Epsilon's email system." Who detected? Who exposed?

********************************************************

Marriott's E-Mail

Dear Marriott Customer,

We were recently notified by Epsilon, a marketing vendor used by Marriott International, Inc. to manage customer emails, that an unauthorized third party gained access to a number of Epsilon's accounts including Marriott's email list.

In all likelihood, this will not impact you. However, we recommend that you continue to be on the alert for spam emails requesting personal or sensitive information. Please understand and be assured that Marriott does not send emails requesting customers to verify personal information.

We take your privacy very seriously. Marriott has a long-standing commitment to protecting the privacy of the personal information that our guests entrust to us. We regret this has taken place and apologize for any inconvenience.

Please visit our FAQ to learn more.

Sincerely,

Marriott International, Inc.

********************************************************

Target's E-Mail

To our valued guests,  
 
Target’s email service provider, Epsilon, recently informed us that their data system was exposed to unauthorized entry. As a result, your email address may have been accessed by an unauthorized party. Epsilon took immediate action to close the vulnerability and notified law enforcement.

While no personally identifiable information, such as names and credit card information, was involved, we felt it was important to let you know that your email may have been compromised. Target would never ask for personal or financial information through email.

Consider these tips to help protect your personal information online:

• Don’t provide sensitive information through email. Regular email is not a secure method to transmit personal information.
• Don’t provide sensitive information outside of a secure website. Legitimate companies will not attempt to collect personal information outside a secure website. If you are concerned, contact the organization represented in the email. 
• Don’t open emails from senders you don’t know.

We sincerely regret that this incident occurred. Target takes information protection very seriously and will continue to work to ensure that all appropriate measures are taken to protect personal information. Please contact [email protected] should you have any additional questions.

Sincerely,

Bonnie Gross
Vice President, Marketing and Guest Engagement

********************************************************

Hilton's E-Mail

Dear Customer:

We were notified by our database marketing vendor, Epsilon, that we are among a group of companies affected by a data breach. How will this affect you? The company was advised by Epsilon that the files accessed did not include any customer financial information, and Epsilon has stressed that the only information accessed was names and e-mail addresses. The most likely impact, if any, would be receipt of unwanted e-mails. We are not aware at this time of any unsolicited e-mails (spam) that are related, but as a precaution, we want to remind you of a couple of tips that should always be followed:

• Do not open e-mails from senders you do not know
• Do not share personal information via e-mail

Hilton Worldwide, its brands and loyalty program will never ask you to e-mail personal information such as credit card numbers or social security numbers. You should be cautious of "phishing" e-mails, where the sender tries to trick the recipient into disclosing confidential or personal information. If you receive such a request, it did not come from Hilton Worldwide, its brands or its loyalty program. If you receive this type of request you should not respond to it but rather notify us at [email protected].

As always, we greatly value your business and loyalty, and take this matter very seriously. Data privacy is a critical focus for us, and we will continue to work to ensure that all appropriate measures are taken to protect your personal information from unauthorized access.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey Diskin
Senior Vice President, Customer Marketing
Hilton Worldwide

********************************************************

A customer service e-mail from Southwest is about to kill the LUV

I love Southwest Airlines: best prices, best schedules, best customer service, hands down. But the e-mail I received from them yesterday (click to enlarge, below) is pure blunder:

• It guarantees me a personal response within 10 business days. This is an absurdly long time for a customer to wait for an e-mail from an airline's contact center. In fact, no customer in her right mind will wait 10 days for help with rescheduling a flight, finding lost baggage, or adding a Rapid Rewards number to an existing reservation. That customer is going to call the contact center, so the unreasonable wait time cripples the chance for first contact resolution. And don't get me started on the way the number is written. It shouldn't be "Ten" or "ten." It should be "10."
• It tells me not to "reply." The quotation marks are truly weird, as if the desire to reply were ironic, not practical, or an exotic response some customers have to e-mails from companies.
• It mentions a mystery link that may help me. When Southwest writes "We have provided a link to information on southwest.com that may help you find answers...," the company sends me on a wild goose chase around its homepage to find the mystery helpful link. Why not put it in the e-mail? And, by the way, the bolded southwest.com in the e-mail was not a link.
  

 I hate to say it, Southwest, but our LUV may be on the rocks.

Princeton Review: Don't send me a huffy e-mail when I unsubscribe

So, it's like that, Princeton Review. You loved me when I subscribed to receive your weekly School Research Service e-mails, but now that my daughter's been accepted to college and I've unsubscribed, you can't even be polite.

Here's the let's-destroy-our-business-relationship e-mail I received from Princeton Review when I unsubscribed:

From: Unsubscribe
To: LESLIE O'FLAHAVAN
Subject: Your unsubscribe is being processed...

We are processing your request to unsubscribe from our email services. Please make sure that you are sending your request from the email address subscribed to this service, otherwise we will be unable to process your request. Please allow up to 7-10 days for your request to be processed.  At that point you should receive no further email from us.  If you have any other issues, please let us know.

The Princeton Review

That is one cold e-mail:

• The subject line implies that unsubscribing me is a complex task that requires "processing," akin to reviewing a grant application or a Freedom of Information Act request.
• They scold me for (possibly) having used one e-mail address to unsubscribe from another. Can't they tell whether I've done that and only scold me if I have? (I haven't)
• They invite me to "let them know" if I have "other issues," but they fail to provide any contact information.

Oh, how my relationship with Princeton Review has changed. Here's the friendly, welcoming e-mail I received from them a few short months ago when I subscribed.

From: School Research Service from The Princeton Review
To: Leslie O'Flahavan
Date:  Tue, May 25, 2010
Subject: Colleges Looking For Students Like You

• Are you a junior or sophomore exploring the right college for you?
• Are you a senior still deciding where to go to college this fall?
• Are you a returning student, or looking to transfer to a new school?

We can now provide you a personalized list of colleges, looking for students like you. Just answer a few questions to complete your profile, and you'll be able to select and request more information from schools that want to hear from students with your background, and that offer your preferred major.

• See matching colleges by completing your profile [I removed the link here]
• Update your profile on PrincetonReview.com [I removed the link here]

So Princeton Review could be friendly to me when we started "dating" but barely civil when I broke it off. Don't they realize that I might re-subscribe? Purchase books from them? Sign up for their Graduate School Research Service, Law School Research Service, or Medical School Research Service for either of my two college-age children?

The response to a customer's unsubscribe request presents an opportunity to maintain a business relationship and build rapport. Princeton Review's response really missed its mark.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

Do You Write Customer Service E-Mail That Rates a Perfect 10?

We all know that a good customer service e-mail is one and done: it answers the customer’s questions or solves the customer’s problems so there’s no need for a second round of contact. A great customer service e-mail goes beyond one and done: it anticipates related questions a customer might have and answers them, too. It has a personal and professional tone.

But what’s a perfect customer service e-mail? It’s in the details. A perfect e-mail is easy to read, has no spelling or grammar errors, and has a subject line that does the heavy lifting—previews the e-mail’s content. It offers other sources of help and makes it easy for the customer to contact you.

Download our article How to Write a Customer Service E-Mail That Rates a Perfect Ten (PDF). In it, we've dissected an e-mail exchange between a customer and a customer service agent from a company we’ve called AutoBackup. We’ve identified the characteristics we think make this e-mail ideal. The article also includes "Tips for Writing the Perfect Customer Service E-Mail," so you too can write an e-mail that rates a perfect ten.

Download How to Write a Customer Service E-Mail That Rates a Perfect Ten, which was originally published in this month's issue of SupportWorld magazine.

 

Why an Order Confirmation E-Mail Must Have an Explicit Subject Line

Holiday season is upon us. Many of us will be spending big bucks ordering from online retailers. So all you companies out there that use e-mail to confirm purchases, I'm begging you - use an explicit subject line. (I don't mean X-rated ...)

Please do not send me a confirmation e-mail like the one I received yesterday from the Weinberg Center for the Arts, after I'd spent $207.50 on concert tickets. Here's the subject line:

Thank You for your order. ( WEIN - 0000000000012345 / 987654 )

For several reasons, this subject line is less than helpful:

• It doesn't identify what I ordered. 
• It doesn't identify who I ordered from.
• It includes an impractically long confirmation number. Just imagine if I had to call the Weinberg Center and read them that number. "Wait, I'm counting the zeros ..."

These subject lines are much better:

• Your Lindt USA Order [Number 1234567] Confirmation  [#98765]
• Order shipped - SheetMusicPlus Order #12192
• Frontier Reservation #ABCDE - May 01
• Your Amazon.com order has shipped (#002-1234567-9876543)

So, if you send me a confirmation e-mail, use the subject line to help me identify:

• Who I bought from. Of course, the sender's name helps me identify this, but the subject line should include this information too.
• What I bought.
• What has just happened or will happen with my order: confirmed, shipped, delayed, etc.
• How to refer to my order. And please don't make me try to handle 15-digit order ID numbers loaded with leading or trailing zeros. If the order number must be long, use hyphens to break it into groups, as Amazon did.  

If you send me a good subject line, I can be a good customer. I will be more likely to likely to:

• Wait patiently for my purchase to arrive.
• Resist the urge to call or e-mail again just to check on my order.
• Use the order ID number properly if I do have to contact you for help or returns.

What do you think? Please comment to share the subject lines you've received in confirmation e-mails, and let us know whether you think they were effective.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

 

The Ewww Factor: PayPal's Too-Friendly Customer Service E-Mail

Am I a hypocrite or a grouch? I've spent many years exhorting customer service staff to write friendly, upbeat e-mails to customers. Using a friendly tone builds rapport and reduces customer angst. But the customer service e-mail I received from PayPal is so friendly, it's actually giving me the creeps.

Here's what I wrote:

Subject:  How do I remove an e-mail address from my account? 

Dear PayPal,
I want to remove the e-mail address [email protected] from receiving notifications when someone purchases a book from me.  I can't find this e-mail address anywhere in My Profile or Settings, so I can't figure out how to remove it. Can you find it and remove it for me? Thanks.

Here's the reply I received from PayPal

Subject: Re: MyAccount (Routing Code: A123-B000-C12345-A111-B100100)  (CCC1234567D12345EfGH):jkl9

Hello Leslie O'Flahavan,

My name is Jonathan with PayPal Consumer Support.  I hope you have enjoyed your day! I too have confirmed that this email address is not registered to your PayPal account. In this case, you will want to check with any 3rd party shopping carts integrated with PayPal that you have worked with in the past. It is likely that you have registered this email with them. It will need to be removed from their settings.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to process your payments here at PayPal. I hope you have a wonderful week!

Sincerely,
Jonathan

Aside from the tone, PayPal earns good marks on this e-mail for:

• Promptness. I received the response in about 11 hours.
• Personalization. Jonathan addressed me by name. But more importantly, he checked my account for the e-mail address I couldn't find. 
• Problem-solving. Though he can't solve it for me, Jonathan suggests how I should solve my problem.
• Correctness. The e-mail is well written. It's free of grammar and punctuation errors.

But the tone is so Yeah! that the e-mail sounds insincere. Though the e-mail's only eight sentences long, three of the sentences are:

• I hope you have enjoyed your day! 
• Thank you for giving us the opportunity to process your payments here at PayPal.
• I hope you have a wonderful week!

In all writing, your tone must always support your message. Jonathan's thank-you statement is polite and professional. It would have been enough. His weird urgency regarding how much pleasure I find in my days and weeks puts me off. And, by the way, his subject line is awful.

Hmmm ... there's my answer. I guess I am a grouch. What do you think about the tone of this e-mail? Let me know.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

 

Lessons From the Insurance Industry: You Don't Need a Gecko to Set the Right Tone

We recently evaluated the correspondence of a major insurance company and its competitors. Using a benchmarking tool we developed, we rated their e-mails and letters to customers on seven Standards. One Standard that we carefully looked at was tone:  "Correspondence is written in a personal, professional tone."

While the topic of the correspondence frequently involved complex legal and regulatory issues, the insurance companies did a very good job of creating a personal and professional tone. Exactly how did they do this? We've identified the excellent strategies they used and provided some examples. We've also flagged some lapses in tone that you may find creeping into your own correspondence. 

We think these do's and don'ts provide guidance on creating the right tone in any industry or organization. 

Strategies That Create a Personal, Professional Tone

1. Do use personal pronouns.

• You will receive your ATM/Debit Card by mail within seven to ten days.
• You're automatically enrolled in our free online bill paying program. 

2. Do use active voice.

• Send your payment to the address on your billing statement.

3. Do use action verbs.

• You can pay bills, transfer funds, request your auto ID card, place stock trades, set up alerts and more.

4. Do use plain, simple language.

• We’re letting you know about those changes so you can take advantage of today’s earning levels and rewards. You will not lose points, and you have until March 31, 2010, to redeem your points at the current level.

5. Do use words that show respect for customers.

• You are a valued customer, and we thank you for banking with us.
• For more information, please call a customer service representative at XXXX. We apologize for this inconvenience and look forward to continuing to serve your financial needs. 

Tone Lapses That Make the Writing Stiff and Bureaucratic

1. Don't use passive voice.

• No action is necessary unless this activity occurred without your knowledge or permission.

2.  Don't use bureaucratic language. 

• Our records show that on 5/12/09 at 11:44 AM, you accessed your online account and established or updated the following information: Password
• The disclosed and corrected information is as follows:
• We are enclosing an "Important Information About Damage Caused by Flooding" notice, which you should also keep with the above referenced policy.

3. Don't use inflated and clichéd words and phrases.

• Rest assured that you will continue to enjoy unparalleled value from our rewards program.
• Due to the new regulations
• These are challenging economic times for everyone.

4.  Don't use caveats and legalese. 

• Based on the information you provided and certain assumptions we made (such as assumptions about the credit report information we obtained) to calculate this estimate, the estimated cost for the auto insurance we discussed with the coverages, limits and deductibles shown below is $407/6 months.

What did we learn by evaluating insurance industry correspondence? It doesn't take a gecko to communicate with customers. The right tone is not a matter of accent or species. It's choosing the right words. 

-- Marilynne Rudick

Apologizing to a customer? Write it like you mean it.

A colleague shared this e-mail she received from the company that hosts her website, which I'll call ABC Web Host. While the intent of this e-mail is to apologize for an outage, it doesn't sound genuine, and the order of information is all wrong.

Subject: Further explanation regarding 5/20/10 outage

Dear ABC Web Host Clients,

(you are receiving this message because you have a current or past helpdesk account with ABC Web Host.).

We’ve assessed the circumstances around the db connectivity issues ABC Web Host experienced yesterday.  Apparently the server farm has misconfigured a block of IP addresses; something that went undetected until we ran out and requested a new block. The new block was configured correctly and this revealed the issue and broke sites using the problematic configuration.

XYZ Server Farm, Inc. (the worldclass service we employ to host our servers) has admitted culpability in this issue and given us their assurance that maintenance to check the current state of affairs as well as to put in place a tighter monitoring system so any similar outage will be discovered sooner, will be put into place today.

The total outage was approximately 20 minutes. We regret the inconvenience and understand there is no worse time to have an outage, of any kind, than at noon on a workday.  If you’d like further information or to discuss anything additionally please respond to this message and it will be directed to my attention.

Regards,

Jane Doe, CEO
ABC Web Host

Here's why the outage apology e-mail just doesn't work:

• It's been sent to too many or the wrong people. If you have to explain to me why I am receiving the e-mail, should you be sending it to me?
• The tone is off-putting. I feel like a grim techie-lawyer is writing to me when I read phrasings such as "assessed the circumstances around the db connectivity issues" and "admitted culpability in this issue."
• The empathy is buried in the last paragraph: "We ... understand there is no worse time to have an outage, of any kind, than at noon on a workday." If you really feel my pain, let me know up front.
• I can't e-mail the CEO directly. How sorry can the CEO be about the outage if my e-mail will merely be "directed to" her attention?

My Rewrite of the Outage Apology E-mail

Subject: Apologies for May 20 service outage

Dear ABC Web Host Clients,

We’d like to follow up on and apologize for last Wednesday’s brief service outage. We regret the inconvenience and understand there is no worse time to have an outage than at noon on a workday. 

Here’s why the outage occurred. The server farm we use misconfigured a block of IP addresses. This error went undetected until we ran out of IP addresses and requested a new block. The new block was configured correctly, which revealed the issue. Sites with the problematic configuration suffered the outage.

XYZ Server Farm, Inc.  (the worldclass service we employ to host our servers) has taken responsibility for this misconfiguration. They have assured us that today they will put a tighter monitoring system in place, so they can discover outages sooner.

We’re really sorry your site was down. If you’d like more information or want to discuss this, please contact me directly at [email protected] and 800-555-1234.

Regards,

Jane Doe, CEO
ABC Web Host

What do you think of my rewrite? Let me know or try your hand at a revision and post it here.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

Update: Mikasa consumer services manager phones to apologize for poor e-mail

Talk about connecting with customers (and the long reach of one little blog post)!

Last week I got a phone call from Sheila Smith, Consumer Services Manager for Lifetime Brands. She was following up on my post, "An E-Mail Question So Fraught, the Company Couldn't Bear To Answer It," in which I wondered about, and grumbled about, Mikasa's non-answer to my simple customer service e-mail question. I'd written to ask Mikasa to suggest a set of small plates that would match larger plates in the Sedona pattern.  Mikasa (a division of Lifetime) sent the following answer: "We are hesitant to recommend patterns that compliment [sic].  Tastes vary so much that we do not like to make these type [sic] of recommendations."

Sheila apologized for the unhelpful response I received. She explained that "in their role as experts on our products, Mikasa agents in fact do make that type of recommendation via e-mail all the time." They are trained to and encouraged to make recommendations. Sheila wanted to be sure I understood that a non-answer was far from Mikasa's standard for performance and that the company was very sorry I had received poor service.

Then came the kicker. I asked Sheila about which small plates she'd recommend to match the large plates in the Sedona pattern. Her answer: "We just don't have any plates that match."

So, in one way, I am a happy customer now. Mikasa values my business and opinion so much that the Consumer Services Manager called me personally to follow up. But I am still plate-less. Writing Matters readers, can you help?

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

An E-Mail Question So Fraught, the Company Couldn't Bear To Answer It

A couple of days ago, I sent this simple e-mail question to Mikasa (the china, crystal, flatware, etc. company).

From:        Leslie O'Flahavan
To:              Mikasa.com
Subject: Question about small plates to match Sedona Dinnerware

Hello,

I have purchased 4 settings each of Sedona Brown and Sedona Blue dinnerware for my niece who is getting married. I want to buy her a set of small appetizer plates to go with this dinnerware, plates smaller than the 8.75" salad plate, which I've already bought. Can you suggest a small plate (5" or 6") in a complementary Mikasa pattern?

Thanks,

Leslie

Apparently, this question is so weighty and the risks of answering it are so great that Mikasa deemed it better not to answer at all. Here's Mikasa's reply to me.

From:        Mikasa.com
To:              Leslie O'Flahavan
Subject: Re: Question about small plates to match Sedona Dinnerware (Le500191)

Good Morning,

Thank you for contacting us.  We are hesitant to recommend patterns that compliment.  Tastes vary so much that we do not like to make these type of recommendations.  We do apologize.

If you need further assistance, please feel free to call Customer Service at 1-866-645-2721 between 8 am and 9 pm Eastern Time, Monday through Friday and from 9 am to 5 pm on Saturday.

Sincerely,

Mikasa Customer Service

Besides being mystifying, Mikasa's response violates the rules of good customer service e-mail:

1. Answer the customer's question. Surely Mikasa could answer my question "Do you have a little plate that matches?" with a simple yes or no. While I'd prefer a yes answer, and a link to the product I'm looking for, I'll accept a no. I just don't understand the huge risk in making a recommendation ... about appetizer plates! If I don't think the plates match, I won't buy them. Mikasa's fussy non-answer is infuriating.
2. When presented with an opportunity, make the sale. I wonder how the execs at Lifetime Brands, Inc. (Mikasa is a division) feel about this lost sale. Customer service is costly enough without missing opportunities to make a sale and build customer loyalty.
3. Don't take yourself too seriously. It's not as if I've written to the National Cancer Institute to ask "Radiation or chemotherapy?" Mikasa should be able to answer this question.
4. Check your spelling.  I wrote "...complementary Mikasa pattern" and Mikasa replied "...patterns that compliment." Usually, I don't get too bent out of shape about spelling mistakes; they happen. I occasionally make spelling mistakes myself. But I lobbed the correct spelling Mikasa's way; the least they could do was lob it back to me.

I'm interested in your thoughts about this e-mail. Is your company hesitant to recommend products when asked? Can you see Mikasa's point? Or is my point much, much clearer?

-- Leslie O'Flahavan