Writing Matters

The Ewww Factor: PayPal's Too-Friendly Customer Service E-Mail

Am I a hypocrite or a grouch? I've spent many years exhorting customer service staff to write friendly, upbeat e-mails to customers. Using a friendly tone builds rapport and reduces customer angst. But the customer service e-mail I received from PayPal is so friendly, it's actually giving me the creeps.

Here's what I wrote:

Subject:  How do I remove an e-mail address from my account? 

Dear PayPal,
I want to remove the e-mail address [email protected] from receiving notifications when someone purchases a book from me.  I can't find this e-mail address anywhere in My Profile or Settings, so I can't figure out how to remove it. Can you find it and remove it for me? Thanks.

Here's the reply I received from PayPal

Subject: Re: MyAccount (Routing Code: A123-B000-C12345-A111-B100100)  (CCC1234567D12345EfGH):jkl9

Hello Leslie O'Flahavan,

My name is Jonathan with PayPal Consumer Support.  I hope you have enjoyed your day! I too have confirmed that this email address is not registered to your PayPal account. In this case, you will want to check with any 3rd party shopping carts integrated with PayPal that you have worked with in the past. It is likely that you have registered this email with them. It will need to be removed from their settings.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to process your payments here at PayPal. I hope you have a wonderful week!

Sincerely,
Jonathan

Aside from the tone, PayPal earns good marks on this e-mail for:

• Promptness. I received the response in about 11 hours.
• Personalization. Jonathan addressed me by name. But more importantly, he checked my account for the e-mail address I couldn't find. 
• Problem-solving. Though he can't solve it for me, Jonathan suggests how I should solve my problem.
• Correctness. The e-mail is well written. It's free of grammar and punctuation errors.

But the tone is so Yeah! that the e-mail sounds insincere. Though the e-mail's only eight sentences long, three of the sentences are:

• I hope you have enjoyed your day! 
• Thank you for giving us the opportunity to process your payments here at PayPal.
• I hope you have a wonderful week!

In all writing, your tone must always support your message. Jonathan's thank-you statement is polite and professional. It would have been enough. His weird urgency regarding how much pleasure I find in my days and weeks puts me off. And, by the way, his subject line is awful.

Hmmm ... there's my answer. I guess I am a grouch. What do you think about the tone of this e-mail? Let me know.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

 

The Award for Worst Tone in a Business E-mail Goes to. . .

As a collector of poorly written e-mails, I thought I'd seen everything: egregious spelling and grammar errors, poor organization, bloated language, and unprofessional tone. So I have to admit that I was shocked by the e-mail my friend "Chris" sent me quoting e-mails that an accountant in her financial services firm sent to a client.

Here's what Chris wrote:

Thinking of you today because I just came across some poorly written business e-mails, generated right here in my own office! These e-mails are from one of our accountants to a new client -- a woman who was divorced about two years ago. She is filing taxes on her own for the first time this year.  I think the client is a little over 50, and the accountant is in his mid-60s. This is a woman he's never met in person, so we can't even say that they have forged some sort of relationship. Nor does she write in such an informal fashion.

Here are some selections from his e-mails:

• "Hey Girl"
• "Just move on girl, he wins on this one. When you coming by??"
• "Giving ___ to your hubby"
• "If you have been a bad girl and didn't do your homework. . ."

Anyway, nothing I can do about it, so I thought I'd share with you, instead. Of course, I realize that you must have seen much worse."

Actually, I haven't seen worse!  Chris wasn't privy to the client's reaction to these e-mails, so I can only imagine how quickly she found a new accountant.

Before I award the Worst Tone Award (a tin ear) to this accountant, I thought I'd ask: Have you received e-mails that top this for unprofessional and offensive tone? If so, send them on to me, and I'll share them with our readers. (Names will be changed to protect the whistleblower and the writer with the tin ear.)

-- Marilynne Rudick

Lessons From the Insurance Industry: You Don't Need a Gecko to Set the Right Tone

We recently evaluated the correspondence of a major insurance company and its competitors. Using a benchmarking tool we developed, we rated their e-mails and letters to customers on seven Standards. One Standard that we carefully looked at was tone:  "Correspondence is written in a personal, professional tone."

While the topic of the correspondence frequently involved complex legal and regulatory issues, the insurance companies did a very good job of creating a personal and professional tone. Exactly how did they do this? We've identified the excellent strategies they used and provided some examples. We've also flagged some lapses in tone that you may find creeping into your own correspondence. 

We think these do's and don'ts provide guidance on creating the right tone in any industry or organization. 

Strategies That Create a Personal, Professional Tone

1. Do use personal pronouns.

• You will receive your ATM/Debit Card by mail within seven to ten days.
• You're automatically enrolled in our free online bill paying program. 

2. Do use active voice.

• Send your payment to the address on your billing statement.

3. Do use action verbs.

• You can pay bills, transfer funds, request your auto ID card, place stock trades, set up alerts and more.

4. Do use plain, simple language.

• We’re letting you know about those changes so you can take advantage of today’s earning levels and rewards. You will not lose points, and you have until March 31, 2010, to redeem your points at the current level.

5. Do use words that show respect for customers.

• You are a valued customer, and we thank you for banking with us.
• For more information, please call a customer service representative at XXXX. We apologize for this inconvenience and look forward to continuing to serve your financial needs. 

Tone Lapses That Make the Writing Stiff and Bureaucratic

1. Don't use passive voice.

• No action is necessary unless this activity occurred without your knowledge or permission.

2.  Don't use bureaucratic language. 

• Our records show that on 5/12/09 at 11:44 AM, you accessed your online account and established or updated the following information: Password
• The disclosed and corrected information is as follows:
• We are enclosing an "Important Information About Damage Caused by Flooding" notice, which you should also keep with the above referenced policy.

3. Don't use inflated and clichéd words and phrases.

• Rest assured that you will continue to enjoy unparalleled value from our rewards program.
• Due to the new regulations
• These are challenging economic times for everyone.

4.  Don't use caveats and legalese. 

• Based on the information you provided and certain assumptions we made (such as assumptions about the credit report information we obtained) to calculate this estimate, the estimated cost for the auto insurance we discussed with the coverages, limits and deductibles shown below is $407/6 months.

What did we learn by evaluating insurance industry correspondence? It doesn't take a gecko to communicate with customers. The right tone is not a matter of accent or species. It's choosing the right words. 

-- Marilynne Rudick

Apologizing to a customer? Write it like you mean it.

A colleague shared this e-mail she received from the company that hosts her website, which I'll call ABC Web Host. While the intent of this e-mail is to apologize for an outage, it doesn't sound genuine, and the order of information is all wrong.

Subject: Further explanation regarding 5/20/10 outage

Dear ABC Web Host Clients,

(you are receiving this message because you have a current or past helpdesk account with ABC Web Host.).

We’ve assessed the circumstances around the db connectivity issues ABC Web Host experienced yesterday.  Apparently the server farm has misconfigured a block of IP addresses; something that went undetected until we ran out and requested a new block. The new block was configured correctly and this revealed the issue and broke sites using the problematic configuration.

XYZ Server Farm, Inc. (the worldclass service we employ to host our servers) has admitted culpability in this issue and given us their assurance that maintenance to check the current state of affairs as well as to put in place a tighter monitoring system so any similar outage will be discovered sooner, will be put into place today.

The total outage was approximately 20 minutes. We regret the inconvenience and understand there is no worse time to have an outage, of any kind, than at noon on a workday.  If you’d like further information or to discuss anything additionally please respond to this message and it will be directed to my attention.

Regards,

Jane Doe, CEO
ABC Web Host

Here's why the outage apology e-mail just doesn't work:

• It's been sent to too many or the wrong people. If you have to explain to me why I am receiving the e-mail, should you be sending it to me?
• The tone is off-putting. I feel like a grim techie-lawyer is writing to me when I read phrasings such as "assessed the circumstances around the db connectivity issues" and "admitted culpability in this issue."
• The empathy is buried in the last paragraph: "We ... understand there is no worse time to have an outage, of any kind, than at noon on a workday." If you really feel my pain, let me know up front.
• I can't e-mail the CEO directly. How sorry can the CEO be about the outage if my e-mail will merely be "directed to" her attention?

My Rewrite of the Outage Apology E-mail

Subject: Apologies for May 20 service outage

Dear ABC Web Host Clients,

We’d like to follow up on and apologize for last Wednesday’s brief service outage. We regret the inconvenience and understand there is no worse time to have an outage than at noon on a workday. 

Here’s why the outage occurred. The server farm we use misconfigured a block of IP addresses. This error went undetected until we ran out of IP addresses and requested a new block. The new block was configured correctly, which revealed the issue. Sites with the problematic configuration suffered the outage.

XYZ Server Farm, Inc.  (the worldclass service we employ to host our servers) has taken responsibility for this misconfiguration. They have assured us that today they will put a tighter monitoring system in place, so they can discover outages sooner.

We’re really sorry your site was down. If you’d like more information or want to discuss this, please contact me directly at [email protected] and 800-555-1234.

Regards,

Jane Doe, CEO
ABC Web Host

What do you think of my rewrite? Let me know or try your hand at a revision and post it here.

-- Leslie O'Flahavan

The Best Ever Customer Service E-Mail

As I was writing a recent post on hyphens, I noticed that the font on the TypePad edit screen kept getting smaller. Soon my nose was inches from the monitor as I tried to make out almost infinitesimal type. Since the small type was only on this one edit screen—all other web pages and documents looked fine—I assumed it was a TypePad problem. I dashed off an e-mail to TypePad asking how to fix the problem with the font size.

The reply from Kymberlie was the best customer service e-mail that I’ve received. Read on to find out why!

From:    typepadsixapart.com
Sent:    Tuesday, March 10, 2009 10:40 PM
To:    [email protected]
Subject: Response to TypePad ticket ‘font size’

Hi Marilynne,

Thanks for the note, but when I view your weblog, I am able to see it without any problems:
http://clip2net.com/page/m0/703755

It sounds like the font sizes have changed within your web browser's settings.  You may want to look through its option and see if there is a way to reset it to the default.

Alternatively, if you have a mouse with a wheel, you can hold down the CTRL button and scroll up or down to decrease or increase your font size (this works on both of the wheel mice I have, though it may depend on your type of mouse).

I hope this helps.  Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you.

Thanks,
Kymberlie

PS  I really enjoyed your post on hyphens!  :-)

To view this ticket, click on the following link: https://www.typepad.com/account/help/tickets/6i01127945899528a4/view

Why was it the best e-mail ever? 
For starters, it met all of the criteria for great customer service e-mail in our Checklist: Ten Traits of a Great Customer Service E-Mail. We developed this checklist  for our Clear, Correct, Concise E-Mail workbook. Kymberlie's e-mail inspired me to add an additional trait (see #11 below) for going above and beyond.

Checklist:  Eleven Traits of a Great Customer Service E-Mail

1. Use a helpful subject line.
   The subject line summarized the problem I was having—font size—and let me know that it was a response from TypePad to my help request.
2. Respond promptly.
   Within 12 hours.
   
   
3. Personalize the response.
   Here Kymberlie excelled. She used my name—and spelled it correctly! She showed me that she had personally looked into the problem. (When I view your weblog, I am able to see it without any problems.)
4. Answer all the customer's questions.
   
   
5. Make it possible for the customer to take action.
   
   
6. Solve the customer's problem.
   She was right about font size being a browser issue and provided two possible fixes—including ones she had tried herself.
7. Use a polite, positive, personal tone.
   Her opening (Thanks for your note) set the tone. She used personal pronouns throughout (I, you). Her tone was conversational (It sounds like… You may want to look through… ). The closing (I hope this helps) reinforced the tone.
8. Write clearly and simply.
   She used plain language to explain several possible solutions.
9. Proofread for mechanical errors.
   Not proofreader-perfect, but no glaring spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors.
10. Make it easy for the customer to contact you.
    She provided a link to the trouble ticket form with a text block for a response. The form—which includes the entire communication thread—means you won’t have to start over if you need further help.
    
    And #11—which made it the best ever!
11. Make the customer feel great!
    PS  I really enjoyed your post on hyphens!  :-)

--Marilynne Rudick

For more of our advice on writing customer service e-mail, take a look at:

• Clear, Correct, Concise E-Mail: A Writing Workbook for Customer Service Agents
• Sampler of Customer DIS-Service E-Mail
• Answering E-Mail from Angry Customers: How to Turn Furious People into Fans
• Our blog posts on customer service e-mail, including E-Mail from Orbitz: Four Kinds of Bad

Word Slippage: Just Plain Folks NOT!

I'm a big proponent of plain language. Don't say we acknowledge receipt of when we received will do. Use taxes instead of  revenue enhancements. But there’s a difference between using a simpler, plainer word in place of an inflated word or phrase and using a simple, plain word incorrectly. What’s got my dander up is the use of  folks to describe any group of people—including alleged terrorists.

It seems to have started with George W. Bush: "The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq are the ones who attacked us on Sept. 11." It set my teeth on edge. But we are used to Bush mangling language (and facts!).

But Barack Obama—a wordsmith—seems to have adopted folks, too. He said about closing Guantanamo: “Part of the challenge. . . is that you have a bunch of folks that have been detained, many of whom may be very dangerous. . . .” It’s like the squeal of chalk on a blackboard. 

Terrorist and detainees are not folks. The American Heritage Dictionary  gives this definition of folks: “The common people of a society or region considered as the representatives of a traditional way of life and especially as the originators or carriers of the customs, beliefs, and arts that make up a distinctive culture.” And it defines the idiom just folks as “down-to-earth, open-hearted.” I doubt that even the lawyers defending Guantanamo detainees would describe them as open-hearted. 

Besides, when I hear folks I think of Loony Toons and Porky Pig’s signature closing: "Th-th-th-that's all folks!"

So, that’s my final word on folks. Or as Bugs Bunny would say "And dat's de end!"
--Marilynne Rudick

Choosing Words that Encourage Partnerships

In a previous post, I wrote about how words carry tone and nuance.  In that post, The Power of Words: Rescuing a Bailout, I was talking about the $70 billion financial package that had morphed from bailout to rescue in an attempt to gin up Congressional and public support.

But sometimes, it’s not the masses you are trying to influence with the right words. You may be trying to impact a local issue, or maybe just one person—your boss, your spouse, a colleague or donor.

I was again reminded of the power of words while working on a project for the Land Trust Alliance. We are helping to repurpose  Land Trust Alliance's extensive collection of course workbooks for online learners. The Alliance consists of more than 1100 local land trusts working with landowners to preserve land through conservation easements.

The Alliance recognizes the crucial role that communication plays in developing partnerships with landowners and in monitoring and enforcing existing conservation easements. To facilitate communication, Leslie Ratley-Beach, the Alliance's Conservation Defense Director has put together a list of words that solve problems (which she's called Partnership/Problem-Solving Messages) versus words that are adversarial (which she's called Policing/Enforcement Messages).

This list is a great example of the power of the right word—and is helpful to anyone whose  job involves negotiation, regulation, or legal issues.

Words that Solve Problems	Adversarial Words
Annual visit	Monitoring
Visit	Inspection
Follow-up	Enforcement
Resolution	Compliance
Checking	Policing
Conversation	Negotiation
Creative problem-solving	Litigation
Upholding the conservation easement	Conformance
Concerns	Violations
Questions	Concerns
Deter	Prevent
Identify	Detect
Scheduled	Assigned
Possible	Suspected

[Source: Conservation Easement Stewardship, Land Trust Alliance, 2008]

Do you have a similar list of problem-solving or adversarial words in your organization? Maybe the Land Trust Alliance's list will inspire you to create one. If so, we'd love to see it!

-- Marilynne Rudick

The Power of Words: Rescuing a Bailout

Words matter. They carry tone and nuance. Fat, full-figured, obese, overweight, big, pleasantly plump. Each of these words presents a different mental image. It's no secret that politicians choose words to put the best face (lipstick on a pig, anyone?) on a controversy or disaster. The legislation that gives the government the right to listen in on phone calls is “The Patriot Act.”

But what’s been interesting about word choice during the current economic bump, slump, readjustment, correction, recession, depression, crash is how frank politicians have been about changing words to shape public opinion. At first the economic fix was termed a bailout. For me, bailout conjures up lowering a rusty bucket into a deep murky well.  Who knows what’s down there--snakes, rats or other unforeseen vermin that will present new problems and obstacles.  And a bailout--bucket-by-murky-bucket--is slow and onerous.

While this might not be quite the mental image bailout brings to mind for you, it carried enough negative freight that the economic Pooh-Bahs couldn’t sell it.  Congress roundly defeated the $700 million “bail-out.”

Back to the drawing board.  In redrafting legislation, the Congress added (your choice) sweeteners, earmarks, incentives, pork. And in the process, the bailout became a rescue. Senator Obama picked up on the negative connotation of bailout. “When you call it a bailout, nobody's in favor of a bailout," he said. And by the time the bailout was approved by the Senate, it had gone from "Wall Street Bailout Plan" to a "Taxpayers Rescue Package."

Much better.  Rescue conjures up a more heroic image: firefighter fighting flames  to rescue an elderly couple from a burning house, a Good Samaritan diving into frigid water to rescue a drowning child, or Congress jumping into a financial quagmire to rescue “toxic assets.”

Interestingly, while the plan morphed from bailout to rescue, one word that didn’t change was toxic: toxic assets, toxic debt. Toxic conjures up Three Mile Island, Chernobyl, Love Canal--disasters with frightening consequences. Toxins (with the exception of Botox--botulism toxins) is deadly and insidious--something that we cannot tolerate or ignore.

Certainly, we’re not out of the financial woods or the word wars yet. Will rescue become recovery? Call it what you will, I sure hope it works!
--Marilynne Rudick